I haven’t done this in a while. But sometimes push comes to shove and no other option is left. I make this entry during the lunch break of a busy working day and an emotionally devastating day. My heart has been aching lately but today? today it shattered in a million pieces and between my professional obligations and limited time to process everything going on- I have found myself in a trench. I am not okay. I hope I will be though. I’ll fight to be.
I am trying to find the right words to pour out without pouring it all out. Because, you know- I’m guarded. This will be the most uncoordinated post I’ll make. But I liken it to writing a letter and throwing it deep in the ocean. Not knowing how far it will sink, but hoping that as it does, it drowns the negativity looming over my heart.
So maybe, maybe I should the list things that I hate/ that make me unhappy. Perhaps, as I overshare, the lump on my throat will dissolve and I’ll be able to breathe better for the rest of the day than I have in the past hours.
I hate that life, love and experiences in general are temporary.
I hate that I feel too deeply.
I hate that my highs are HIGH and my lows are LOW.
I hate that human interaction leaves so much room for misunderstandings.
I hate that I have to show up, despite how I feel.
I hate that I’m crying as I type this.
I hate that I cant fully express how I feel.
I hate that I cant fully understand why I feel.
I hate that life is cyclic.
I hate that I cant be assured this is the last time I will be in the place I am in right now.
I hate that some people who care about me may read this and want to check up on me but I wont be willing or ready to have the conversation.
I hate the power my mind has over me.
I hate that I elude happiness.
I hate that I hate soooo many things …
I hate that even after typing all this, I do not feel any better.