Moving On

“Move on!”

My mind constantly yells to my heart

“Move on” two words that are quite truthfully easier said than done.

Everywhere I go, I am surrounded by memories of you

It’s in the moments I am eating the food we would enjoy together

It’s in the times I watch our favourite shows, alone and reminisce on our never ending banter

It’s in the times YouTube lines up our songs

It’s in the evenings after busy days when I would previously offload the weight of my day on you

It’s in the void

It’s in the absence of the chaos that flavoured our journey

The peace is unsettling, ironically so

Moving on from you demands a lot from me

I have to be happy

I have to be okay

I have to forget it all

But ….

How do I explain the taint of guilt when I find myself not consumed with thoughts of you

Why does forgetting you and forgetting us feel like … betrayal?

Will time really heal this wound?

Or I’ll just have to play pretend

and fake it, till I make it.

Random Check-In

My blog is a shape shifter. On some days it is pages of my favourite art pieces, on other days it is a well thought through portal of information and perspectives. However, on most days, it is simply a virtual diary and journal I use to let out some steam.

Alot has been going on from the last time I was here, I started seeing a new therapist- she is amazing! our sessions are very triggering but healing in greater proportions- I hope I get to detail the lessons some day. I had my 25th birthday on the 22nd of September whoop whoop! (A blog is in the drafts for that one). My Aunt got married and I was her Chief bridesmaid! My call day (‘graduation” where I get called to the bar is coming up, I am excited for it!), I will be contributing to two magazines soon- one paid, the other probono but both MILESTONES!!! I am beyond thrilled.

Despite everything the months have been and the excitement, changes and growth that have come with it all- I have been confused, distant and my headspace has not been as clear as I’d hope it would be. I am in constant need of breathers, cry breaks, prayers and affirmations to get by. But everyday is better than the last so yay! to the progress.

Writing about my emotions always makes me feel better, it reminds me that its okay to feel. It reminds me that its okay to not have it all figured out. It also serves as a reference point for when I surmount the bad phases, reading back and realizing my seeming mountains where just anthills when I reach the otherside is something I always look forward to.

Oh, my manners, HAPPY NEW MONTH lovelies! May it be everything your heart’s desires hope for. Also, how are you all doing? Do feel free to comment, I always look forward to our interactions.

I’m out for now- I think the next time you hear from me will be when I finalize and put up my birthday blog or show up with some music, I’ve been vibing too lately, or another random- we’ll see

Until then,

Don’t forget to breathe slow and smile,

PS. Did you guys nominate me under the Expressive Category for the Afrobloggers award or I need new friends? lol just kidding… I’d be happy if atleast one of you did though. Lol Bye for now xx

Notes from Eat Pray Love

I recently watched the movie EatPrayLove for the first time, yet to read the book. Whereas this is not exactly a movie review, I found it very soothing and took a few notes from the movie which I will share below:

  • ” … a heartbreak you wont let go of because it hurts so good”
  • “We must always be prepared for endless waves of transformation”
  • “Still your mind. If you cant master your mind, you’re in trouble”
  • “Regret. Ocean of regret”
  • “Forgive Yourself. Everything else will take care of itself”
  • “Believe in love again”
  • “God dwells in you as YOU”
  • “You lose balance, you lose power”
  • “Only way to heal is to trust”

Overall, it really is a feel good movie and it is insightful. It also ignited my travelling desires which I cant wait to fully actualize!

To the lover that I lost.

From the long messages when getting to know each other. The late night calls. The gradual yet intense obsession. The undeniable chemistry. The outbursts of laughter that made our lungs hurt. The deep, authentic, difficult conversations. The aligned visions. The matching energies. The locked hands. The tied souls.

The highs were high.

To losing sight of how we got there. The feelings of detachment and inadequacy. The betrayal. The loss of trust. The angry words. The strained affection. The altered perceptions. The tears. The forgiveness. The trying. The anxiety. The relapsing. The trying even harder. The depression. The failing to try eventually. Hands unlocked. Souls untied.

The lows were low.

Ours was the type of experience that SAW me. Deeply. Searched through the crazy cluttered spaces in my mind, heart and soul. Saw all the young emotions that I kept hidden. Saw my flaws, fears and errors. Broke my guard down and with every layer of unexpected characteristics and brokenness- strived to hold on tighter… you promised to be my fighter.

We strived for happy ever after

Ours was the type of experience that reminded me of… HOPE. Hope that I too could be loved deeply, exclusively and intentionally. Hope that there was a place away from what I had conformed to. Hope that it’s not always a bad idea to let others in. Hope in love, trust and forever.

I wish we made it to forever.

But ….. here we are, miles away from forever. At a split road. Disbanding our two man band. The show we took on the road was worth the while. Flaws and all. Thank you for chasing the highs with me. Thank you for battling through the lows with me.

You tried to lay down the beat, I tried to carry the tune. But maybe… maybe this song wasn’t ours to sing.

Just Smile

Just smile

Troubles may rise

But they will only last for a while

Just smile

Some days it will be effortless

Other days will require more effort

Just smile

Let your smile speak to your soul

Let your soul light up your mood

Just smile

Till you feel warmth in your heart

Till you feel peace in your life

Just smile

Through the sunshine

Through the rain

Just smile

Letting go

Holding on and fighting for love is plausible and should continuously be encouraged.

However, in certain instances, there is more grace in letting go than holding on.

Learning when it is time to walk away and move on is just as graceful as fighting to stay.

When it is exhausts you more than it inspires you

When it breaks you down more than it builds you up

When it saddens you more than it brings you joy

When imaging a future on that path brings despair as opposed to anxious joy

Then you know, you have to let it go

Choose happiness

Choose peace

Choose harmony

Choose sanity

Choose yourself

It is difficult

It requires alot

It takes almost everything

But, sometimes, most times, there’s strength in breaking the flow

Side note: Someone once told me, “a failed relationship is better than a failed marriage and a failed marriage is better than a failed life (death)”. I think about that alot.

About Holding On

Between the thrill of falling and pain of letting go is a stage most people do not regard as an extreme- Holding On.

Holding On in my view is the most difficult stage in any form of relationship or endeavour.

In this stage, the thrill and excitement of falling is settled in.

The ideation turns into reality.

The masks fall off.

The scars appear.

In this stage, the imperfections become apparent and the waves roll in.

Holding On entails looking at your once perfectly perfect and now imperfectly perfect partner and deciding to stay.

Holding On entails deciding to battle hard days as war buddies

Holding On entails using one pair of wings when the other pair is broken so that you both fly over life’s circumstances

Holding On is assuring

Holding On is sustainable

Holding On is graceful

Holding On is the harder option, the real option, the option that matters.

Anyone can fall in and out of love.

However, it takes everything to be able to HOLD ON.

I hope you find a love worth holding on to.

Love is Scary

For all it’s beauty, glitz & glam … I find love to be scary in equal or greater proportions.

It’s in the uncontrollable feelings of attachment towards another person. Their happiness becoming your happiness, their sadness becoming your sadness and everything in between affecting you just as much as it affects them.

It’s in the way you are trusted to be a pillar of hope, love, light and joy to another person. It’s in knowing that your decisions are no longer yours alone but have an impact on the life of another person.

The scare intensifies when you realize that love is permanent but people are temporary.

It’s in the thought that one day our loved ones may be no more. It’s in the consuming anxiety of thoughts of loss. It’s in the not knowing when your interaction will be the very last. Whether halted by breakup or death. Loss of a loved one is a real scare.

But someone once said, we like because but love DESPITE …

So, despite all the fears, we dive in

Free falling- pushed by the gravity of love.

In the end, love is a beautiful thing.

Random-needed-Rumbling …

My mind and I are in a never ending war. It’s like my life is a miniature battle field. Some days, I triumph over it. Successfully reclaiming my sanity, calm and peace. Some days it wins our wars, pushing me to the edge and making me feel things I would rather not.

When does the cycle end though? I always wonder. Will there ever be a time when my happiness is not flavoured with random, intense waves of unexpected sadness? Is it something I should accommodate as “a part of my journey”? – these thoughts constantly flood my mind and the answers are lost on me.

But still, I sigh. Just kidding. I rise….. I guess. lol.

I am a fighter not a quitter. So, every time my mind wages war, I get in the ring and put up my best fight.

I am also one to allow myself to feel, so I live through the waves and this minimizes the risk of experiencing compound, complex lows which I may fail to overcome.

Writing is one of my ways to fight my mind, like right now. A random interlude on a working night to declutter my thoughts.

I hope it gets better eventually. My therapist commends my efforts in attempting wear my heart on my sleeves- I guess that counts for something.

What’s the point of masquerading and appearing to be perfect in an imperfect world?

Anyway, I’ll end here. (now to think of a title for this random blog lol)

If you’ve read this far, please send good vibes my way. (:

Until next time,